Struggling with the past...

Don't you ever wish things would be different?
Like changing something you never thought you'd ever have to deal with... that has crushed you to the very core and has changed who you will be forever. Changed the relationship between you and I forever.

Thinking about it makes me sick and tugs at my being in a way I never thought I would ever feel again... but worse.

The confusion, the pain, the questions... I don't know if they'll ever go away.

Situations make you who you are... and for now I'm ruined...

Struggling with the past... not sure if there's a future.

I don't understand

Why people feel the need to compete with how depressed I am lately. Seriously... does it make you feel better when you have to be so much more oh woe is me? How funny that when I told you how I felt, you miraculously felt the same way. You can't try to make me feel better... you just make things worse. I don't get it. I know you like the attention, and I hate it when it's in spite of me. I swear if you do something to fuck things up with him we won't be on speaking terms. I'm fucking sick of it. You can never be happy for me unless either you're in the same situation or doing or feeling something better... or worse it seems lately. I need a fucking vacation.
I can't do this anymore. This whole weekend has just sucked. Business sucks. Boys throw me off. I feel so useless lately. Haven't been stuck in a rut like this for a long time... I don't like it. It's scaring me. Dear Goddess help me... it's taking all the strength I have left to survive.